Hey there friends. It's been awhile since I've been on.
I've been through A LOT! To say the least. I've been grieving over the loss of our beloved Brandy, getting to know our new precious Bella and trying to "recover" from this stinkin' depression/anxiety issue by seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. It's been a hard road. I've lost a friend, who also happens to be a family member by marriage. We shared a lot together and have known each other at least 19-20 years. She basically told me she "was sorry she couldn't be the friend that I need right now"....WHAT? R U SERIOUS? Of course people say she was never a friend. Apparently, she only allows herself one friend at a time. Big time hurt by that one.
On top of that...I've recently been laid off from my job of almost 17 years. I have been at that job since I graduated high school.
This has since created another chapter of struggle in my life. What do I do now? I didn't go to college, so I don't fit in with most of my friends b/c they have "masters" or "bachelors" degrees..oh and JOBS! I feel...and I'm going to be painfully honest here...like a loser. My qualifications are down the middle. I used to learn quickly and be organized but feel since the "breakdown" that I'm just not myself like I can't be who I used to be and I seriously doubt my qualifications and abilities. My self esteem, needless to say, is totally in the toilet.
I am embarrassed, ashamed, depressed...withdrawn/estranged from people...shocked....and I'm sure there are more words out there to describe my feelings, however without that "bachelors" degree I don't know them.
I don't know how to feel. I don't WANT to feel this way whatsoever. I WANT to be happy. So you're probably thinking...well take control of your feelings and be happy! Ummm...not so easy for me. Don't know why? I'm feeling as if I'm grasping at straws. Which feeling will I feel next? At least I'm aware it can always be worse....
As I'm sitting alone on a Friday night last night with my puppy Bella, who by the way, is full grown now. She is 11 months old almost. (August 29th, she'll be 1 year old.) So I decide to check out the movies for rent On Demand.
I selected a cute sounding movie called, "My Dog Tulip". It's an animated tale of a man and his dog of 16 years, Tulip. Very, very cute and interesting movie. Not sad, except you expect the movie to be mainly about the dog, however...it's mainly about the old man.
See, he was alone. I found a lot in common with him. He felt as if he had no friends and came upon this dog Tulip. She became his best friend. Literally. I mean yes, there's a bit of a tale (no pun intended) with the dog, however he described how this dog brought him love...unconditionally...and friendship.
So as I sit here, I know I have the best husband in the world who loves me with all his heart. I have no doubts about that. I also have a Heavenly Father Who loves me beyond measure or what I can fathom. I also have a Mom who is healthy, and there for me as well, who loves me unconditionally.
So why do I feel so alone? Why do I find so much comfort in my dog Bella?
With Bella, it's still in the "new-ish" stages of getting to know her. She has some training to do as far as being around people, etc. She's very fearful and anxious. Kinda like her momma! heehee But she gets me and I get her. She has started to take over our hearts...not that Brandy is out of our hearts because she has a very, very special place and always will in our hearts for her. But I tell you what, Bella is a character and a half! She is total opposite personality of Brandy, which is good-otherwise it'd be too hard. They sorta look alike. Pretty much same color...same stance....same trot down the hallway...etc. etc. however, Brandy was 100% princess and Bella is 100% tomboy! She's a total daddy's girl on the weekends when he's home. She loves to snuggle and is a total lap dog. She is stubborn, however nothing we can do about that except try to train her....stubborness is in her nature as is in so many people unfortunately. ;)
Anyway, don't know why I felt like I needed to "vent", but blogging definitely helps. I need guidance, direction and I know where to get it from and Who can give it to me, but I feel there's SO many road blocks, SO many emotions, SO many things happening in my life...I just am frustrated, depressed, and feel like I can't get past these feelings!
What's a girl to do?
Keep on goin' on....I guess!?
Blessings~
Aim
