Tuesday's thoughts....

Hello my dear "followers"!  lol  That's seems like I have a cult going on or something.  Yes, it has been a little bit since I've last written, however I'm in a MUCH better place.  In regards to all my issues I've been facing.  I've learned to TRUST God with all my situations.  I do not doubt Him anymore.  I honestly think He has been using these situations to get me to 100% trust Him!  Duh!

Update:  I finally won my unemployment case.  I'm so excited about that.  It took an appeal and a "no show" appearance by my previous employer for me to win.  Whatever works.  Oh and LOTS of prayer.  I haven't prayed that hard in a long time.  So at least we've got that income coming in. 

I still haven't heard from my "perfect" job I wanted.  They told me 2-4 weeks and I'd hear, HOWEVER, for some reason I still have my hopes up.  ONLY because they have a job posting for a Human Resource Manager, so maybe the process is taking longer because of that, and also, the Monday after my interview, I called the manager of the department that I interviewed for, just to ask her if she had any further questions and she told me no, but they had a few more candidate to interview that upcoming week.  So, I'm figuring that they were also told 2-4 weeks as I was by the HR assistant who interviewed me first, as she stated due to processing.  So even though it's been 4 weeks, I'm keeping my hopes up a notch that maybe, just maybe the job hasn't been filled yet.  I've continued searching, and not received any calls.  I feel like I've applied at a hundred different places, however I don't want to take something just to take it either.  I want to enjoy my job, especially after this previous one I had!  I really had a good feeling about this job I like.  Just can't explain it.  As my husband says, (who's been SUPER supportive), "what's meant to be, is meant to be".  I agree with him, however I still want that job!  LOL

Today I feel good about myself.  Sorta.  I've needed to go through my closet and get rid of a bunch of clothes I don't wear.  Either they don't fit or I got them home, didn't like them, or wore them once and saw myself in a mirror and didn't like, etc.  I literally have-just so far-6 garbage bags of clothes.  Very nice clothes.  The ones w/a button missing, etc. I put in the regular garbage.  I still have one more closet to go, where I keep my winter sweaters.  I'm always hot, and I don't wear sweaters that often, so I know most of those will go.  As I was doing this tonight, I teared up.  One reason was because I was depressed that I couldn't fit in some of the cute stuff I was folding away or depressed because it didn't look good on me.  However, most of all, the biggest reason was shame.  Shame on me for having so many clothes!  That I don't want!  So there went my self esteem again.  I know shame and guilt are of the devil....so I just said out loud to God, "I'm sorry!"  Just those 2 simple words as tears filled my eyes. 

So now, I'm feeling good again because of how good it feels to have gotten rid of so much already.  I don't NEED that many pieces of clothing.  I usually wear the same things over and over...the things I like!  I was also thinking about "purging" my life as well.  So much stuff I need to get rid of in my life to make room for better stuff...good stuff...God stuff!  I'm trying so hard to get better.  The anxiety is kinda trying to take over again.  Getting attacks out of the blue...especially at night. 

I had another episode of guilt last night.  I'll just go ahead and admit this.  I don't believe she reads my blogs, but she understands what I've been through and going through.  Last night, I had a very severe anxiety attack.  I had to put my puppy night night because she was just wanting to play and being needy and I was "freaking out".  She was fine with that anyway!  Anyway, I was laying on the couch..popped a pill...watching "Intervention"..no, just kidding about the "Intervention" part...no worries, I'm not a druggie!  LOL  Told myself to calm down..did my breathing exercises and then just started thinking about EVERYTHING under the sun. 

I had a date to meet this friend of mine, who has a child with spina bifida, to see a movie Tuesday night (which would've been tonight).  She and I were going, as well as her 2 girls to see a different movie.  My friend is getting married in September, so we were going to see "Bridesmaids" and and the girls were going to see "Monte Carlo" and at night is her only chance to go see a movie or get out at all, that way her fiance can watch their lil' girl.  Well during my panic and thinking about everything, all these thoughts of "doom" were flowing.  So I cancelled on her.  I felt awful and still do because I know she was excited for a night away (obviously no offense to her daughter) but she is such a GREAT Mom and does SO much for that family and this was her chance to have fun.  I haven't spoke to her except to get her response it was OK.  Bless her heart, but I hope she went w/the 2 girls and had fun still.  So I see my therapist tomorrow to see why the extra anxiety.  Talk it out.  That usually helps.  Maybe the job thing is all settling down?  or sinking in?  Although, I must say, I'm not much of a night movie goer.  I don't like the packed theaters where people sit on top of you...I dunno...I'd just rather go during the afternoon.  So my poor husband for years, we've done date night the opposite...."movie and dinner".  For some reason, I have made the exceptions for the Twilight movies at midnight.  Still I get there early-get my seat and don't move. 

For some reason, doing things by myself seems much better and more fun.  I don't know if it's because I have control of what we do, where we go, etc.?  My husband has a business trip he has to go on in a few months and I'm thinking of driving to NC to see my new cousin.  Actually she'll be almost a year old by then...but I've been dying to see her.  It doesn't scare me at all to think of traveling by myself.  hmmmm....???

Well, I'd better quit blabbing.  I've been meaning to blog here lately and tonight felt like the night!  ha ha! 

I hope everyone is doing well!  Thanks for checkin' out my grumblings....lol  or "venting"....I guess that's what a blog is for though eh?  Sometimes.  I'm trying to work on not being such a debbie downer....a new step each day....day by day!  Right? Right!

Keep on goin' on!
Love,
Aim

My Dog Bella

Hey there friends.  It's been awhile since I've been on. 

I've been through A LOT!  To say the least.  I've been grieving over the loss of our beloved Brandy, getting to know our new precious Bella and trying to "recover" from this stinkin' depression/anxiety issue by seeing a psychiatrist and therapist.  It's been a hard road.  I've lost a friend, who also happens to be a family member by marriage.  We shared a lot together and have known each other at least 19-20 years.  She basically told me she "was sorry she couldn't be the friend that I need right now"....WHAT?  R U SERIOUS?  Of course people say she was never a friend.  Apparently, she only allows herself one friend at a time.  Big time hurt by that one.

On top of that...I've recently been laid off from my job of almost 17 years.  I have been at that job since I graduated high school. 

This has since created another chapter of struggle in my life.  What do I do now?  I didn't go to college, so I don't fit in with most of my friends b/c they have "masters" or "bachelors" degrees..oh and JOBS!  I feel...and I'm going to be painfully honest here...like a loser.  My qualifications are down the middle.  I used to learn quickly and be organized but feel since the "breakdown" that I'm just not myself like I can't be who I used to be and I seriously doubt my qualifications and abilities.  My self esteem, needless to say, is totally in the toilet.

I am embarrassed, ashamed, depressed...withdrawn/estranged from people...shocked....and I'm sure there are more words out there to describe my feelings, however without that "bachelors" degree I don't know them.

I don't know how to feel.  I don't WANT to feel this way whatsoever.  I WANT to be happy.  So you're probably thinking...well take control of your feelings and be happy!  Ummm...not so easy for me.  Don't know why?  I'm feeling as if I'm grasping at straws.  Which feeling will I feel next?  At least I'm aware it can always be worse....
As I'm sitting alone on a Friday night last night with my puppy Bella, who by the way, is full grown now.  She is 11 months old almost.  (August 29th, she'll be 1 year old.)  So I decide to check out the movies for rent On Demand.

I selected a cute sounding movie called, "My Dog Tulip".  It's an animated tale of a man and his dog of 16 years, Tulip.  Very, very cute and interesting movie.   Not sad, except you expect the movie to be mainly about the dog, however...it's mainly about the old man.

See, he was alone.  I found a lot in common with him.  He felt as if he had no friends and came upon this dog Tulip.  She became his best friend.  Literally.  I mean yes, there's a bit of a tale (no pun intended) with the dog, however he described how this dog brought him love...unconditionally...and friendship. 

So as I sit here, I know I have the best husband in the world who loves me with all his heart.  I have no doubts about that.  I also have a Heavenly Father Who loves me beyond measure or what I can fathom.  I also have a Mom who is healthy, and there for me as well, who loves me unconditionally. 

So why do I feel so alone?  Why do I find so much comfort in my dog Bella? 

With Bella, it's still in the "new-ish" stages of getting to know her.  She has some training to do as far as being around people, etc.  She's very fearful and anxious.  Kinda like her momma!  heehee  But she gets me and I get her.  She has started to take over our hearts...not that Brandy is out of our hearts because she has a very, very special place and always will in our hearts for her.  But I tell you what, Bella is a character and a half!  She is total opposite personality of Brandy, which is good-otherwise it'd be too hard.  They sorta look alike.  Pretty much same color...same stance....same trot down the hallway...etc. etc.  however, Brandy was 100% princess and Bella is 100% tomboy!  She's a total daddy's girl on the weekends when he's home.  She loves to snuggle and is a total lap dog.  She is stubborn, however nothing we can do about that except try to train her....stubborness is in her nature as is in so many people unfortunately. ;)

Anyway, don't know why I felt like I needed to "vent", but blogging definitely helps.  I need guidance, direction and I know where to get it from and Who can give it to me, but I feel there's SO many road blocks, SO many emotions, SO many things happening in my life...I just am frustrated, depressed, and feel like I can't get past these feelings!

What's a girl to do?

Keep on goin' on....I guess!?
Blessings~
Aim

Re-thinking....Renewing!

Hey there friends!  I just wanted to share this email devotion that I received.  It isn't me that wrote this (the author is at the end and source), however this is something I can 100% relate to and I happen to believe that most people can relate to as well...whether Christian or not. (By the way, I do wear glasses and hate picking out new ones.  You'll realize the relation as you read on down.)

People are constantly wondering "what do/will they think of me"...meaning the people in the world whether you know them or not.  Whether you admit it or not.  The rethinking process is what I am working on right now.  Retraining my brain to think a totally different way.  It's working too!  I am so excited.  I have been on medical leave now for 9 weeks from work.  I am SO nervous to go back to work, because why?  I'm nervous of what people will think of me or how they will treat me or label me or if they'll talk behind my back or have been?  It's paranoia.  I have no reason to think that they would.  Yet, it scares me to death b/c there has been "drama" at work before, as there is in all work places.  However, in this fear of mine...I am retraining my brain, like I said, to change my attitude about these thoughts.  If they think or do these things that I fear?  Well, that's their problem.  No one knows what I've been going through or the thoughts that have been inside my head these past few months (actually much longer).  No one knows the amazing change that has occurred in my heart...my character has been reshaped.  My brain in the process of retraining. 


So now, I'm excited.  I'm working with God to change my thought process.  He's working on me and I can totally feel it.  No one can or will believe me unless they've felt or experienced that change for themselves through the Holy Spirit. 

So as I share this, I challenge you to change your "thinking" if you need to.  Retrain your brain!

Blessings, Amy



Rethinking and Renewing


I have been in need of new eye-glasses for quite a while. I finally made the appointment.  Then came the daunting task of choosing new frames. Why was it so stressful for me? It seems like a simple choice for so many.  First, it is a big financial investment, so I better LOVE them.  Secondly, decisions like this always bring an inner fight to go with the super conservative or take a risk and get something different.  Do I choose the plain wire ones or the “radical” ones that seem sturdier? (Sturdiness is a concern factor when dealing with rowdy boys and a rambunctious little girl.) After much debating, I decided on the ones that weren’t so conservative.

I woke up in the middle of the night worried that I had made the wrong choice.

The panic attack had begun.

I lay there, my heart starting to race. That voice telling me, “You should have gotten the plain ones. Do you want people to see you or your glasses when they look at you? People will only notice the flashy new frames and not you… well, you don’t matter anyway.”

I’ve grown weary of second guessing myself and of hearing that voice speaking to me in such a negative condemning tone.

RETHINK- verb: think again about (something such as a policy or course of action),esp. in order to make changes to it
A wise Christian counselor once spoke with me of why I think the way I do and how to go about changing it. Making a lasting change actually has to do with changing how you think. There is a need to train your self to think differently. You actually have to make new paths for the neurons in your brain to follow instead of following the old paths.

“…be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” ~Romans 12:2 (emphasis mine)

What made me think that way?

Is there Truth in it?
 Will it be against God’s will for me to get different frames? Will it really affect anything? More importantly: whose voice is telling me that plain is better and more ‘godly and feminine’?  I found the voice was from years ago. Telling me that to be godly I had to fit into a particular cookie cutter. As I thought about that, the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit asked…

Was it an opinion or was there a scriptural basis for it?

Is God going to love me less because I chose eye-glass frames that weren’t so plain? Will I no longer be pleasing to the Lord because of my choice of frames? Aren’t the non-conservative ones actually more feminine, being pink metallic and having pearl inlay on the sides?

The enemy fights to draw me into living my life under the thumb of condemnation.

I find myself very thankful that God’s grace doesn’t allow for it.

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”~Romans 8:1

I choose to live in His grace.

I choose to enjoy my new frames.

Is the enemy trying to steal your joy today by keeping you under his thumb of condemnation?

Is there somewhere in your life where you need to choose to live in His grace?

By Sharon of Hiking Toward Home

10 Certain Predictions for the New Year~ Roy Lessin

Hello everyone!  I trust each of you had a wonderful CHRISTmas and New Year holiday with your loved ones, whether friends or family!  Mine was....and I'm going to use a strange word..."numb".  I had no feeling behind the "holidays" this year, except I only knew that my Savior was born for me...to die for me.  (and you!) and truly enjoyed the gift of family this year.  We had a great CHRISTmas gathering with both my husband and my families!  It was such a blessing.  Inside though, or in the "background" there was this looming feeling of sadness...admist my own "issues" I'm working through (and I pray for those that should be, but aren't seeking help for their issues...that Jesus as your Counselor is an amazing experience)....(missing my Brandy girl...knowing that a good friend of mine is in a hospital that has no legs from the knees down, and is not doing well, spending the "holidays" in the hospital....knowing that my Pastors wife's mother had a heart attack and also had to spend the holidays in the hospital....) as I think of these tragedies in each others lives.  There are so many more not even mentioned or known.  There are people who have family members suffering of cancer and have no idea when the "time" will come.  So many people forced out of their homes, or lost their jobs recently.  Even as we have financial "issues" I guess you'd say ourselves (which seems to be a lot of people this time of year especially!)...as I think about it.... we are very blessed!  Not only do we have a roof over our head, and food to eat, and precious family and friends to be thankful for....we have the amazing gift of Jesus!!  The best news?  NOTHING can take that away!  So I read this devotion I got in an email and thought I'd share it to remind us that we truly do have at least (I'm sure there are more than is listed below....) certainties in the coming year and years ahead! 

I pray for you all to have a wonderful New Year and keep on goin' on!  That's all you can do sometimes!

Love, Aim

10 Positive (Certain) Predictions for the New Year

10. God will still be on the throne. Psalm 47:8
9.   His grace will still abound. Romans 5:20
8.   His mercies will still be new every morning. Lamentations 3:22
7.   His promises will still be true. 2 Corinthians 1:20
6.   He will still be faithful. Isaiah 49:7
5.   He will still be working out His plan. Ephesians 1:11
4.   He will still provide. Philippians 4:19
3.   He will still bless you with every spiritual blessing in Christ. Ephesians 1:3
2.   His blood will still have the power to cleanse from all sin. I John 1:7
1.   He will still love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

Until He Comes! Revelation 22:20